"I would love to believe that when I die I will live again, that some thinking, feeling, remembering part of me will continue. But as much as I want to believe that, and despite the ancient and worldwide cultural traditions that assert an afterlife, I know of nothing to suggest that it is more than wishful thinking."

- Billions and Billions, Carl Sagan.

I've been having nightmares, endlessly, for weeks now, every night. Should I be upset? Maybe. But I'm not, as it were. I'm loyal to the nightmares I have because in some way, they are the ones I have chosen. 

Hardest part of the summer? Working. Not paid-working, but the work you know you need to do to keep your skills sharp and keep your mind keen. On the plus side, my portfolio is much nicer than it used to be, though I still have a long way to go. I've only just started to find my voice in a digital medium, but it's exciting. I know I've walked away from this blog for a long time, but the reason for that is simple: reading. I've always enjoyed it, obviously, but summer is one of my favourite times to read. It has a sense to it, a taste and weight in on my tongue, and to myself it feels like a paring down. 

Sometimes I come across a line that shovels a million memories into my brain. Even a few simple words can reel me back to the a moment, hovering by the lake while wind washed across me like the water, or the sidewalks’ cold sunshine on bare feet when I ran - it brings me to things I would have forgotten, sensations that need to be pulled up now and then. 

"Each entity knows before he comes here that he is not coming back to be the grand beauty or the wealthy entity or the wretched pauper. He comes here because he wants to live here and to be enterprising in emotional learning on this level - to obtain emotional understandings that he wants to fulfill within his being. That is the true treasure of your life experiences, whether here or on other planes or dimensions, for that is the only thing that remains with you throughout ete

-Ramtha

Ngizhemanidoom, sema ngiimiinagoo wiinamaayaanh nangwaa. Gagwejimin wiizhiwendamaan maanda miijim miinawa zhiwenmishinaang nangwaa. Miigwech ndinaanaanik gewe wesiinhak, okaanak, bineshiinhak, miinawa giigonhik, kinagwa gwayaa gaabigitnaamwat wiinwa bimaadiziwaan maanpii akiing niinwe wiimaadiziiyaang. Miigwech ge ndikaadami netawging miinawa maanwaang gaamiizhiyaang wiimiijiyaang wiizongziiyaang nangwaa.

Miigwech ngizhemanidoom miigwech.
 

"I love being a girl.

I can feel what you’re feeling, as you’re feeling, your feeling, inside the feeling before. 

I am an emotional creature. Things do not come to me as intellectual theories or hard pressed ideas, they pulse through my legs and my organs and burn up my ears. Oh I know when your girlfriend's really pissed off, even though she appears to give you what you want. I know when a storm is coming, I can feel the invisible stirrings in the air. I can tell you he won’t call back - it’s a vibe I share. 

I am an emotional creature and I love that I do not take things lightly, everything is intense to me. The way I walk in the street, the way my momma wakes me up, the way it’s unbearable when I loose, the way I hear bad news. I am an emotional creature! I am connected to everyone and everything I was born like that. Don’t you say all negative that it’s only a teenage things or it’s only because I’m a girl. These feelings make me better they make me present, they make me ready, they make me strong. I am an emotional creature! 

There’s a particular way of knowing it’s like older women somehow forgot. I rejoice that it’s still in my body - oh I know when the coconut’s about to fall. I know we have pushed the earth too far. I know my father isn’t coming back, and that no one’s prepared for the fire. I know that lipstick means more than show and that boys are insecure and so-called terrorists are made, not born. I know that one kiss could take away all my decision making ability. And you know what?

Sometimes, it should.

This is not extreme ‘it’s a girl thing’ - it’s what we would all be if the big door inside us flew open. Don’t tell me not to cry or to calm down not to be so extreme to be reasonable! I am an emotional creature - it’s how the earth got made, how the wind continues to pollinate. You don’t tell the Atlantic Ocean to behave.

I am an emotional creature, why would you want to shut me down or turn me off? I am your remaining memory. I can take you back; nothings been diluted, nothings leaked out. I love -hear me, I love- that I can feel the feelings inside you.

Even if they stop my life.

Even if they break my heart.

Even if they take me off track, they make me responsible. I am an emotion - an emotional, unconditional, devotional creature. And I love - hear me - I love, love, love being a girl.”

- Eve Ensler (via TED talks)

You would be surprised how many men and women I encounter who scoff at the idea of feminism, who think that we're all squared away, that things are fine. I don't know if it's taking things "too seriously" as is often accused - maybe it's just noticing things people would ordinarily walk by, or accept. In any case, Eve is a fantastic speaker and this is my favourite monologue by her.

As much as I love my roommates, one of them got me sick. Which means no artificial sugars, very few natural ones, and no dairy. Lots of tea, too, and soup. What a fun way to be stuck inside the house. But beyond online job applications, I can finally get down to reading the books I've meant to, and watching some of the documentaries I missed out on.  On Friday or Saturday I'm hopefully going downtown with Chantal, one last fun trip before we both have to work our butts off for any kind of pay. Really, I just need enough money to make it through 4th year and then I'm golden~ Speaking of - I haven't thought much about my thesis, I'm not sure anyone has. When you're allowed to do anything you want, you start to wonder what do you want to draw about. I'm still figuring that out, but I know my reading and movie watching, information gathering isn't going to waste. So far I know I really enjoy: play of light, insects and physics, cosmology, cree language and art, owls, buddhist philosophy, the idea of lace or transparency, and coffee. Okay the last one is a cop out, but I do like herbs and natural teas, and drying plants? Does that count?

And because I can't seem to shake my obsession with moths : the color in a moths' wings do not come from pigment. The color is produced prism-like by light reflected by their transparent wing scales.