"I would love to believe that when I die I will live again, that some thinking, feeling, remembering part of me will continue. But as much as I want to believe that, and despite the ancient and worldwide cultural traditions that assert an afterlife, I know of nothing to suggest that it is more than wishful thinking."

- Billions and Billions, Carl Sagan.

I've been having nightmares, endlessly, for weeks now, every night. Should I be upset? Maybe. But I'm not, as it were. I'm loyal to the nightmares I have because in some way, they are the ones I have chosen. 

Hardest part of the summer? Working. Not paid-working, but the work you know you need to do to keep your skills sharp and keep your mind keen. On the plus side, my portfolio is much nicer than it used to be, though I still have a long way to go. I've only just started to find my voice in a digital medium, but it's exciting. I know I've walked away from this blog for a long time, but the reason for that is simple: reading. I've always enjoyed it, obviously, but summer is one of my favourite times to read. It has a sense to it, a taste and weight in on my tongue, and to myself it feels like a paring down. 

Sometimes I come across a line that shovels a million memories into my brain. Even a few simple words can reel me back to the a moment, hovering by the lake while wind washed across me like the water, or the sidewalks’ cold sunshine on bare feet when I ran - it brings me to things I would have forgotten, sensations that need to be pulled up now and then. 

"Each entity knows before he comes here that he is not coming back to be the grand beauty or the wealthy entity or the wretched pauper. He comes here because he wants to live here and to be enterprising in emotional learning on this level - to obtain emotional understandings that he wants to fulfill within his being. That is the true treasure of your life experiences, whether here or on other planes or dimensions, for that is the only thing that remains with you throughout ete

-Ramtha

Ngizhemanidoom, sema ngiimiinagoo wiinamaayaanh nangwaa. Gagwejimin wiizhiwendamaan maanda miijim miinawa zhiwenmishinaang nangwaa. Miigwech ndinaanaanik gewe wesiinhak, okaanak, bineshiinhak, miinawa giigonhik, kinagwa gwayaa gaabigitnaamwat wiinwa bimaadiziwaan maanpii akiing niinwe wiimaadiziiyaang. Miigwech ge ndikaadami netawging miinawa maanwaang gaamiizhiyaang wiimiijiyaang wiizongziiyaang nangwaa.

Miigwech ngizhemanidoom miigwech.
 

"I love being a girl.

I can feel what you’re feeling, as you’re feeling, your feeling, inside the feeling before. 

I am an emotional creature. Things do not come to me as intellectual theories or hard pressed ideas, they pulse through my legs and my organs and burn up my ears. Oh I know when your girlfriend's really pissed off, even though she appears to give you what you want. I know when a storm is coming, I can feel the invisible stirrings in the air. I can tell you he won’t call back - it’s a vibe I share. 

I am an emotional creature and I love that I do not take things lightly, everything is intense to me. The way I walk in the street, the way my momma wakes me up, the way it’s unbearable when I loose, the way I hear bad news. I am an emotional creature! I am connected to everyone and everything I was born like that. Don’t you say all negative that it’s only a teenage things or it’s only because I’m a girl. These feelings make me better they make me present, they make me ready, they make me strong. I am an emotional creature! 

There’s a particular way of knowing it’s like older women somehow forgot. I rejoice that it’s still in my body - oh I know when the coconut’s about to fall. I know we have pushed the earth too far. I know my father isn’t coming back, and that no one’s prepared for the fire. I know that lipstick means more than show and that boys are insecure and so-called terrorists are made, not born. I know that one kiss could take away all my decision making ability. And you know what?

Sometimes, it should.

This is not extreme ‘it’s a girl thing’ - it’s what we would all be if the big door inside us flew open. Don’t tell me not to cry or to calm down not to be so extreme to be reasonable! I am an emotional creature - it’s how the earth got made, how the wind continues to pollinate. You don’t tell the Atlantic Ocean to behave.

I am an emotional creature, why would you want to shut me down or turn me off? I am your remaining memory. I can take you back; nothings been diluted, nothings leaked out. I love -hear me, I love- that I can feel the feelings inside you.

Even if they stop my life.

Even if they break my heart.

Even if they take me off track, they make me responsible. I am an emotion - an emotional, unconditional, devotional creature. And I love - hear me - I love, love, love being a girl.”

- Eve Ensler (via TED talks)

You would be surprised how many men and women I encounter who scoff at the idea of feminism, who think that we're all squared away, that things are fine. I don't know if it's taking things "too seriously" as is often accused - maybe it's just noticing things people would ordinarily walk by, or accept. In any case, Eve is a fantastic speaker and this is my favourite monologue by her.

As much as I love my roommates, one of them got me sick. Which means no artificial sugars, very few natural ones, and no dairy. Lots of tea, too, and soup. What a fun way to be stuck inside the house. But beyond online job applications, I can finally get down to reading the books I've meant to, and watching some of the documentaries I missed out on.  On Friday or Saturday I'm hopefully going downtown with Chantal, one last fun trip before we both have to work our butts off for any kind of pay. Really, I just need enough money to make it through 4th year and then I'm golden~ Speaking of - I haven't thought much about my thesis, I'm not sure anyone has. When you're allowed to do anything you want, you start to wonder what do you want to draw about. I'm still figuring that out, but I know my reading and movie watching, information gathering isn't going to waste. So far I know I really enjoy: play of light, insects and physics, cosmology, cree language and art, owls, buddhist philosophy, the idea of lace or transparency, and coffee. Okay the last one is a cop out, but I do like herbs and natural teas, and drying plants? Does that count?

And because I can't seem to shake my obsession with moths : the color in a moths' wings do not come from pigment. The color is produced prism-like by light reflected by their transparent wing scales. 

"Everything changes once we identify with being the witness to the story, instead of the actor in it."

— Ram Dass

The dinner party tonight was a great time! Everyone brought something, the food was great and so was the company. Thanks to everyone who showed up, and in two weeks time I'll see you again! Maybe with more people? Just as a suggestion. I'm planning on making it a Mediterranean themed dinner party, so wine is a must this time! Fraeya thank you so much for the soap, they smell great! I can't wait to shower tomorrow, it's so exciting! And man, it was fun to just chill with Kal 'n D and everyone else, thanks again! Is there anyone here whose interested who I haven't added or included on facebook, just drop me a comment and I'll send you the details.

Chekov was a little monster this morning, waking me up by lying on my face and suffocating me. Someone in the elevator today told me they live with KP now; here's the thing, I recognize this persons' face but nothing about where I met them or their name. I feel really awful about it, I've been trying so hard to get names and nicknames down. Anyway, I must have met him at some point because he talked about Chantals' rabbit, Spock, and I told him I got a white one and named it Chekov. He had his arm in a sling, I should just drop by at some point and show him the rabbit, see if it makes his arm heal quicker. 

Well, I think it's time to get to bed, big day tomorrow. Sorta. Love, is something that if you give it away, give it away, give it away - Love, is something that if you give it away, give it away, give it away, you'll end up having more.

Yesterday my fortune cookie said "The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one other person". Such a direct contrast to the fact that I went to Zu Bar last night, and had a very...boring time. I've always sort of known that the kind of guys I'd actually like to date probably wouldn't be at clubs but it's never stopped me from having fun until last night. Or maybe it was the fact that Karl Wolf was there, and he ruined all the music. In any case, I'm glad I got to dance even if it was punctuated frequently by men who think my dress and red lips are a green light for them to touch me. 

How upset can I be really, my rabbit cuddled under my chin to wake me up today. Life can't be bad when things like that happen. I'm looking up summer courses with the U of T, and I've found a few that are interesting - I just have to convince myself they'll be worth the $400. I'm thinking of an Introduction to Aboriginal Studies, and an Astrophysics course about galaxies and stars, in general. I really wanted South American studies but there isn't even a class for that, so maybe in the fall or next year. I'm just one of those annoying people who actually like school, and would continue taking classes well into an established career.

As fond of Canada as I am, and I truly don't think I'll leave this country for any extended period of time, I've been thinking about moving to Mexico, or South America. If I did that though I wouldn't be privy to going on archaeological dig sits in Alberta with my cousin, which is probably the most bad-ass thing I've done in a long time. And man,The Police rock. Especially as a dub over to Sherlock Holmes. 

“‘Everything is made of light,’ he said, ‘and the space between isn’t empty.’”
—     Don Miguel Ruiz

We should run away together, except I can't because I have asthma. But seriously, neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius.

The simultaneous measurement of two conjugate variables (such as the momentum and position or the energy and time for a moving particle) entails a limitation on the precision (standard deviation) of each measurement. Namely: the more precise the measurement of position, the more imprecise the measurement of momentum, and vice versa. In the most extreme case, absolute precision of one variable would entail absolute imprecision regarding the other.

—Physicist Werner Heisenberg, 1927

I love physics - I was never spectacular at it, I was much better at geometry and abstract math but I've always loved physics. There's an absolute elegance to their formulas, and I find it moving because so many things can be applied to our very mundane life. Yes, a lot of them are highly theoretical and abstract but their core, their essence, can be felt in everything. Matter and energy move itself, there is no external mover. How can that not be at the centrality of man? You may think there are forces at work, deciding your life, controlling it: feelings, thoughts, other people. But there is no other mover, you are not a creature experiencing feelings and being guided by them. You are the feeling, the thoughts. 

I miss school only because I had a chance to be social. Soon I'll have a job and then some structure to my day, but even with all the little activities I set up for myself, the reading, the essay writing, the novel, the art, I find myself trying to keep up some kind of motivation. With my roommates gone most of the time I realize I haven't spoken out loud in two days, which is a bit pathetic. Maybe other people would really relish in such an opportunity, but I still love being around others. Your own ideation process can only get you so far - you never know what someone else has hidden inside of them, all that they have to offer. Today I'm going to go to Chantal's house, make udon soup from scratch and play with her puppy, Jake. I've missed that dog so much, but less so now that I have my own adorable pet. Chekov is doing fine, she seems to like sleeping under my bed during the day. Last night I went to Brians' going away party, sad but true. I hope he finds something in New Zealand for him, I hope it's a happy journey. 

Yes, I have a rabbit now. Her name is Chekov, she's an albino Angora rabbit and the cutest thing out there. I'm still getting used to having a rabbit in the apartment, I had trouble sleeping last night because of the chewing she does to the paper. Right now she's in her cage, binkying around. This rabbit is adorable, I can't wait to have an Alice in Wonderland tea party with her. So many things to do, so much time to do it - does it get any better?

Sorry I haven't updated anything lately, the last few days of school are the most hectic. On thursday night I went to the animation formal, which was awesome. It's nice to finally see them, talk to them when they're all not so stressed out. I'm gonna miss them, I hope some of them stay around the GTA area for awhile. 

It's so strange to not have anything to do. I can't wait to have a job, a little bit of structure would go a long way. And of course so would some money. I think today will be a watching movies and reading kinda day, with both my roommates gone. Just yesterday Chantal and I strolled around Square One, where I got Chekov, and we went to an asian grocery store. Suuuuuuch great food there, I want to go back for more - but I have some stuff that I should use up first. Tomorrow I'm going to test drive some of the food Chantal and I were thinking about having at a little food 'n wine get together. Some cold, veggie spring rolls, asian salad, ect. Just nice and light with some cheeses and wine. 

"Who is listening to me cry here so far from home? Crickets who are glad for the accompaniment. A fish in the dam underwater, my tears sounding to it like they are muffled through a pillow.

A mountain as alone as me. The trees waiting for me to breathe slower. A moon that wants to use my hands to push you away."

Sometimes there's so much joy it kind of hurts. And there's almost nothing better than waking up and making good coffee and listen to Nina Simone, who means every single word of it. I still really want a rabbit, so that hasn't changed, but I have been able to dance these past few days. I wonder if anyone's noticed besides me, the lightness inside and outside after I dance. Then again I've always found the visual arts to be a little touch and go for creating a real message out there. A lot of us are concerned with a million little things except the most basic principles: Why do we do it? There's a answer that could be psychoanalytical, scientific and metaphysical, but that doesn't satisfy why we desire to create, what it's purpose is. I'd like to think that a good piece of art, regardless of what it looks like, does one thing - it leaves you nowhere to hide. That's probably why I feel more connected with dance as a means of articulating myself, because it is so direct. Gestures and poses all mean the same thing in any language, movement conveys the same tone. I'm never misunderstood or misquoted when I dance, and there is nowhere to hide from those feelings, those moments in time.

Feel free to argue, I'll still be here painting my nails, wanting to see Chantal's rabbit. I think I'm going to get one, they're incredibly cute and not nearly as skittish as the other pets I was considering, but not quite as much work as a cat or dog. An Angora rabbit would be perfect, then I would get free needle felting wool when it sheds. Heck, I could even sell it.

It's almost summer, and I still have to call some places for a job, maybe drop off a few more resumes. In more exciting news, Chantal got a rabbit and now I really want one. Before, with hamsters and guinea pigs, I found them not very cuddly and mostly nervous and scared, prone to biting despite being adorable. But the Angora rabbit she got is absolutely wonderful - so chill, super cuddly and very happy. Basically, I want to get one once I get a job. 

I've just started reading 'Achilles in Vietnam: Combat Trauma and the Undoing of Character' by Jonathan Shay and it's fascinating. Shay works from an intriguing premise: that the study of the great Homeric epic of war, The Iliad, can illuminate our understanding of Vietnam, and vice versa. He examines the exploits of certain characters and their behaviours and compares that to veteran soldiers and their own demons that haunt them. Shay is a psychiatrist specializing in treating Vietnam veterans with chronic post-traumatic stress syndrome.Shay establishes convincing parallels to combat in Vietnam, where the war was considered meaningless and mourning for dead friends was thwarted by an indifferent command structure. Truly a great book, I know I'm going to enjoy reading it, and I've only started a few snippets of it. 

I'm thinking about going into a special effects program after my illustration degree, where they teach you monster makeup and animatronics and puppet building, but we'll see. Right now I need to just focus on the future, which means money! PS  - I know a lot of animators are rushing getting a business card and website and blog, and making it look nice. If you ever want free advice just contact me, I'm pretty decent at design and I don't mind helping out, but I won't start from scratch for you. Just throwing it out there, now I have to go to Chantals' to see the cutest rabbit ever. And a hissing cockroach. Her house is so cool.

“What the soul knows is often unknown to the man who has a soul. We are infinitely more than we think.” —     Kahlil Gibran

I spoke with my mom today, and while it didn't make me feel that much better, I'm looking forward to this summer. There's talk of taking another one year course after this Illustration degree (because as you can tell from browsing my blog, I draw a lot). I think in the summer I'll look into taking night or weekend classes at U of T, specifically I'd like to take at least one South American History class. When I chatted with my history teacher after the exam, he said he teaches a class next semester about the Mafia history which is just too cool to pass up, I remember reading a few books about the social and economic significance of the black market especially in eastern Europe and the Middle East. 

No plans this weekend, not yet at least. My roommate is having her friends over so I think I'll make myself scarce if other people don't mind me sitting quietly on the couch. I hope I get a job soon, I'm really tired of being lonely. I'm trying to make friends with guys without romantic involvement, but either they don't seem open to the idea or they automatically assume I want to date. People are just people, I wish that more people could relax around me, I don't know why it's so hard. If you're someone who finds it hard to chill with me...explain this problem, I am at a loss! Oh, and D? This picture is for you. Enjoy~

I went down to Lakeshore yesterday with Chantal - she got her Madison piercing and it looks fantastic, it actually makes me want to get my collarbones done, one on each side, but I don't think I have that kind of money - hers cost 130$. The guy who did it, Tom, was hilarious - he spent 45 minutes lecturing us, I'm sure he thought we were just dumb girls. Probably because I kept talking Chantal through the pain with unicorns and stuff. I accidentally ate a bug, we went to a wool 'n bead store to pick up some needle felting needles and wool. On the way there and back I applied to a few jobs - Artisano, Second Cup, Whole Foods and such. I'm looking for pretty much just a coffee job, because it's my relevant skill set and then they won't have to train me for something new. All in all, a successful trip. 

I got a new pair of sandals! They're great, they have gorgeous beading on the ankle straps, and they even have owl feathers - it's too perfect. I'm so glad summer's here - I hope all the people I haven't been able to see much of because of school work can finally come out and spend some time hanging out, I miss them. It's strange to know a lot of people in the school, but still find yourself really lonely, and not having anyone to call when you need to talk. 

Well I have an exam in 8 hours, so I think I should start studying. At some point. But right now Passion Pit is just such a good band to listen to, I can't help but dance, just like my roomies are doing now!  This is why our apartment is such a party place. 

And I can feel the madness inch by inch, the more I run, the more I am convinced well here I am, here I am, when will someone understand?

Well, I think the semester is over with for me! I only have one exam to study for, which is more like a test, and one final poster and a design output. I've started looking for jobs, barista jobs in particular, for the summer. And since a lot of my friends are graduating this year and heading out to different places, I guess I'll have to take up more hobbies - if at all possible. When I was talking to a person who got into Animation just this year, about how maybe she doesn't like the program, I told her the best revenge is massive success. That's how I feel about my teachers, who clearly don't like anything I do - massive success will be my payback. Is it bad the only reason why I'd want to be an Illustrator is to spite them a little? Whatever gets you through the day I suppose...

Watches Star Trek last night with some friends, drank some, had good times. It's nice to see them not so stressed out!  I can't wait to start applying to coffee houses and work with coffee again. Everytime I think I don't care, I have a bad cup and then my day is ruined...sorta. I still enjoy it, probably because I love socializing with people. 

Here's an interesting tidbit for whoever reads this; when a person cries and the first tear falls from the right eye, the crying is from happiness. If it falls from the left, it's from pain. 

Evidently, the information contained in matter that falls into a black hole is by some curious means encoded in the pattern of frozen quantum fields at the horizon. This raises some interesting possibilities that we could resurrect clocks, humans, spacecraft, and whole planets into something like their pristine form if we could magically reverse the in-fall and collapse process. Many believe that this mathematical result means that we have reached a watershed moment in history in understanding the connection between quantum mechanics and gravitation theory. Quantum mechanics deals with statements about the information that we can extract about a quantum mechanical process involving observation. Now this same information language can be applied to configurations of the gravitational field and space-time itself.

Like Kurt Vonnegut said, there are still some misfits who insist that there's no such thing as progress. Today, and the past view days, I have left what little homework I have to the last minute, to try and get a cheap thrill. It didn't really work, I forgot an essay only takes me 2 hours and I think now I'll be in bed on time. Can't say I didn't try though.

The weekend at my grandparents was great, got to do a lot of farm work and help around the house. They're selling their place and moving into a new house so I try to make my memories out there count, and makes sure I spend time outside. Took pictures but those are on my dad's camera so you can't see them yet! They're cute, the people just down the road have a few dogs and one of them walked with me the whole day. I got to talk to my grandpa about plants, a passion we both share. he's taken to growing delicate little plants in hard boiled eggshells, just cracks the top off and puts dirt inside. It's actually really beautiful looking, and fragile. Well this friday I'm planing to bake cupcakes with Chantal and Leo, but others are welcome too and on Saturday we're planning on having a little Lakeshore picnic-type-thing with as many animator friends of ours as want to come. It'll be exciting! And - best of all - nachos. That's right, I said it.

I just got back from my grandparents' farm - I always love going there and I'm really sad they're going to be moving soon, but I understand why. I spent the weekend walking around with the dog that wanders through the houses, got to hang out with some horses, cows 'n goats. Also got to hang out with the gardening tools, since there's so much to do outside, but I enjoy it. It's so relaxing to be out in the sun, and the evenings were just as good. I read 3 books in the 2 days I was there, reminding me that when I really do have the time I can read pretty fast. 

My parents also gave me my gifts from cuba - a wood carved owl, some bracelets with bells on them and a che guevara t-shirt. And a new phone because my other one finally bit the dust, old thing that it was! Well I'm all rejuvinated and I'm ready to see my friends, hang out, and get some homework done.

Like that history essay. I really need to start that. Really bad. 

Today was a stellar day - after walking for 4 hours I feel like I'm finally tired enough to sleep more than five hours! Last night I had a nightmare but I'm used to them now, so they hardly phase me during the day anymore. 

In our business class we were asked to bring an object we value, the one thing we would save in a fire. I chose the black opal my parents bought me for my eighteenth birthday. They imported the stones from Australia and then had a jeweler make the necklace around them. Did you know opals of any kind are one of the few stones people say "like to be worn"? It's because of their water content, somewhere between 3%-10% though they can be has high as 20%. Of course, if you take them into the cold or extreme heat they start to crack because of water expansion and contraction. So keeping them at a steady temperature, is ideal. While opals are a mineraloid, they do have an internal structure that allows it to show a variety of colours within the stone. At micro scales precious opal is composed of silica spheres some 150 to 300 nm in diameter in a hexagonal or cubic close-packed lattice. These ordered silica spheres produce the internal colors by causing the interference and diffraction of light passing through the microstructure of the opal. It is the regularity of the sizes and the packing of these spheres that determines the quality of precious opal. Cool, right? Opals are insane, and I'm so glad they're my birthstone. The ones from Lightning Ridge Australia are considered the finest, but in general Australia exports 90+% of opals in the market.

I didn't explain all that to the class, but, y'know, the information is kinda interesting. All I had for dinner was a peanut butter 'n jelly sandwich and baked beans...maybe I should do groceries. Nah.

Cupcakes, what amazing things to bring people together. Tomorrow I'm going to give Leo his birthday cupcakes Chantal and I made for him, and with his cake addiction I'm sure he's going to like them. 

I'm halfway done both the Origin books, because I woke up at 3 am and had nothing else to do that was quiet for my roommates besides reading until 7 am. Not that the consideration seems to be mutual, one of them is up with her friends doing their hair and singing loudly, screaming. I don't mind too much, until I need to sleep. Otherwise I'm actually a fan of being a girl, being an emotional creature and having fun and being brave but - I have an 8am class. 

Also! Moths, still on my favourite-things-ever list. May or may not start a collection, maybe even frame it and hang it somewhere in my room (because all the owls just weren't creepy enough). How they navigate is still a question mark but most people assume it's a form of celestial navigation called transverse orientation. By maintaining a constant angular relationship to a bright celestial light, aka moon, they can fly in a straight line. But other people say the reason for moths circling lights may have to do with a visual distortion called a Mach band. In the pursuit of cover and safety, moths fly towards the dark areas of the sky and are thus inclined to circle ambient objects in the Mach band region. I find moths endlessly fascinating and a source of inspiration, so they may crop up from time to time.

Today was a great day overall, even though the animator I was supposed to help with his film never showed up, I still got to talk to a bunch of great people and see wonderful progress. Good luck you guys, you need it! I'll just be over here getting a nice long sleep if anyone needs me. 

Going back to the music you love is like coming home again - nothing replaces the feelings they stir, like kicking up the ashes and dust of your past. It took me a long time to think of Rita's last name, because my dad usually just says 'Rocking Rita', but her last name is Chiarelli and she plays delicious guitar. Her and Rachelle van Zanten, playing a wonderful smokey slide guitar, need to be on my playlist more. Today on the elevator I played Ram Jam really loudly and the people who got in after me told me 'This song is awesome.' Well, Ram Jam is just like that.  

I finally got some decent direction on what to do for my interpretive piece! I'm going to do a portrait of Ayaan Hirsi Ali in pen and ink, with her face made entirely of words that describe the injustice and persecution she and many others went through. In particular, she faces a lot of backlash for her book and for her audacity to tell her story. Her book, ps, is fantastic and it's a wonderful insight into the balance between tolerating a culture and tolerating misogyny. That's really at the heart of that controversy, which fits in 100% with PEN Canada and the entire project. 

As much as I'm looking forward to the summer, I don't want this school year to end. A lot of my friends are in their final year, and they seem to be moving way out across the country. I wish them all the best with their career, but I'll be sad to see them go, and it's even harder knowing that they're so busy this year I can't really see them as much as I'd like to before they move. I guess the only cure for this is Bob Seger? I think it is. I think it's time to curl up in bed with Bob Seger and a good book. Oh! And I found a complete online copy of Darwins' origin of species so now I'm reading both versions, chapter by chapter, of Nino Riccis' version and Darwins'. Anyways, night moves. 

"It’s a terrible love and I’m walking with spiders,

It’s quiet company, it’s quiet company,

And I can’t fall asleep
Without a little help
It takes awhile to settle down
My ship of hopes
Wait til the past .. ?

It takes an ocean not to break" - The Nationals, Terrible Love

I had such an exciting day! First, got around to asking the guy I liked out. Erh, we'll see how that goes, but two! Two is so exciting! I saw this truck stopped on the side of the road so I went up to it with my drink in hand and who should I see, in the entire city of Toronto? My roommates dad! We had a good chat, then my roommate walked down from our apartment and sat with us in the car while he made calls to get his truck towed and such. It was pretty fantastic and we had a good laugh about the odds of that ever happening.

I've developed a really odd fascination with insects lately, which can only mean my brothers' years of entomology have finally rubbed off on me. We had an hour long discussion about how awesome moths are, and dragonflies. This summer I'm going to try and have some fun with books, and read books with the same or similar titles. Right now I'm reading the Origin of Species, and I just have to read the Nino Ricci one so I can say I've read both works. Does this really help? I don't know, but I do know more literature in my life couldn't hurt. 

So uh, do yourselves a favour and go search "the nationals - terrible love" on youtube and watch it, they're a fantastic band. I'm just going to keep drinking tea, reading about moths and then read my tea leaves to see what tomorrow brings. 

"You colour everything. You are the kindest person I have ever known, and your words are like fire to water, always skirting the edge before turning to dust. I can never be resolute when you are around, I can never compose myself. You strike me; your eyes burn me, but gently - a cool, soft burn. I wish I could tell you just what you mean to me. I wish I could trace my fingertips over the very surface of your skin, pull your lips into mine, and wait - for something, although I don’t yet know what. Sometimes I would like to cry because you are so delicate and I am so far. I can’t keep getting wrapped up in your eyes like this, but I would like to. I have never felt so alive as I do when you smile. I really do appreciate those times when we talk, and I hope that you know that. I’d like to create a word that would envelop you in your fullest extent, but first I would have to know you fully.

Regardless, you are the best thing about this planet and I am so fucking glad that you are here. That you exist makes me wholer."

She writes how I wish to, with a great plain honesty that strikes your core. I also kinda have a soft spot for e.e. cummings but that's another kettle of fish. This is what I would say if I could speak more eloquently. Nothing new today, I went to the school to help people with some design work, not that I have any and I'm still going through the Clavin & Hobbes collection online. When something interesting happens this blog will become useful - really it's a strike to prove my life might be kinda cool later on, very futuroptimistic. 

Have you ever felt like getting up the guts to speak to someone could be the best decision you've ever made? Have you ever wished that someday you'll find the right words, and when you do, they'll be simple?

I keep forgetting how much I love Calvin and Hobbes, but then I find my own way back to it again. I never had a TV growing up, and my parents generally only let me read "literature", even if it was for children. But Calvin and Hobbes was the exception to the rule and I have my grandfather to thank for that - I still get along with him really well, actually. I talk to him about any and everything. 

This week was pretty boring at school, nothing much to do. I had a decent talk with Joe Morse though, for my illustrative drawing and painting class. He seems to enjoy my prehistoric style art, because it's so far removed from western tradition and he appreciates a student trying to get to the core of what makes art so profound for humans.  That things, that inner truth that allows art  thousands of years old still catch our heart and eyes and hold it there. Almost all the artists I know, whether they see it or not, create from a place of no-mind, from inner stillness. I'd like to get to the core of that, to express humans as we are - emotional creatures.

Speaking of! Eve Ensler, how do I love thee, let me count the ways. Even if you don't like the work she's famous for I think everyone should check out her speech at TED.com, discussing the inner girl. It's a powerful story, that lifts up not just women but all of us. 

Might go to school tomorrow to work on my PEN illustration about the oppression of free speech for writers, and my design homework for a water campaign branding identity. And dance, I suppose - why not, everyday is a good day to dance! 
I was always curious as to how other artists feel about why they make their art, and the core question they're trying to answer by creating it. Is it different for animators or illustrators or writers or musicians? Who knows, but if you have anything to throw out there don't be shy. If you're out there. 

 I have Peggy Lee stuck in my head.  Well, not Peggy Lee in particular, just a lot of blues songs. I was listening to the CBC on Saturday like usual for Randy Bachman's Vinyl Tap and the show was all about women who sing the blues. Wonderful show, I listened to it online again. So now I've got a lot of classics like Memphis Minnie, Barrelhouse Annie, Mary Johnson, Diana Krall and Rita Chiarell all running through my head. It makes it fun to work on art though! 

Speaking of - somehow, my teacher loved my little half-hour illustration. I lied a little when he asked how long it took, because he's time-prejudiced like that, but he seemed to really enjoy it. Don't know how to feel about it, but at least this will save me time. For our next project I'm going to show some sketches for two very different styles - the one he likes, and the one I actually use in my sketchbook. 

When Sam got home I found she had gotten me some presents! Pictures from my trip to her cottage in a frame and some chai  from Geneva! Love chai , now with a good mix of tea leaves I can make some in a pot. A good chai  comes from putting spices in water on the stove first, boiling that until the water turns colour a little then adding tea leaves to steep. Generally you can put whatever you want as the base spices, but I usually have cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, cardamon, black pepper and cloves. Next to coffee, chai is my favourite drink but only when it's made properly.

Hey! NOVA's "The Elegent Universe" is online - go watch it. But first, listen to some blues. 

"Life is nothing until it is lived; but it is yours to make sense of, and the value of it is nothing else but the sense that you choose." Jean-Paul Sartre.

Well said, Jean. Well said. I'm back in Oakville now, excitingly, but our schoolwork is still as dull as ever. What few assingments we have are just unoriginal and extremely geared towards corporate identity. I don't mind those, but this was supposed to be our narrative semester, and we haven't really done any narrative work to date. Sometimes I find our teachers dislike heavily metaphoric work, they prefer the concrete, the obvious. Well maybe in 4th year I'll be able to draw how I actually want to, for now I think I've found a style my teacher likes and I'll stick with that.

Been hanging out with a lot of people outside my classroom, which is nice. My roommates are curiously absent so I have the apartment to myself, which means I finally get to move the furniture in the living room to do my dance. Still miss the piano, but I might go to school today just to cure that. Also! Happy Birthday Darnell!

“Let’s just drive for a bit,” I say. I need some time. Two turns and we hit the highway. I roll the windows down and chew on a fingernail. The fog is thick, but we plow through it with fishbowls for headlights. The road is empty. Even the roadkill has gone home for the night, fleeing into the darkness of trees on either side of the highway. The painted lines on the concrete pulse and the wind is loud; I am getting the time I need.

My ears are ringing. I don’t know if they ring because she hit me there, or maybe they ring because I hid a piece of the truth in the hollow space of my eardrum and it is making itself known. Maybe they just ring from the wind whipping through the car.

You are too loud, say the trees that fill the darkness.

We are quiet as we can be, I say.

I am talking to the road, say the trees.

It is not our fault, we did not build ourselves, say the rocks that were crushed to make the road.

There are none of us left that can even remember what quiet sounds like, say the trees.

It is not our fault, say the rocks.


-J. SAMUEL YINGLING

"So I’ve been sleeping with this silence in my mind
And all I see scares me" - Lydia

Had a decent train ride home despite the headache it gave me. Oakville was so nice and warm I just had to go for a long walk, how I missed exercise! I'm so excited to go back to school and see friends again.

Had another strange dream - I don't usually put emphasis on them or their meaning but this one was really odd. For one, I didn't die, and I always die in my dreams, s'just how it usually goes. In this dream I was walking along a dusty road in a green landscape; the sun was shinning, it was hot but not overbearingly so. I came upon an old church, it's big stone slabs wrestled into the earth. The door was ajar so I walked inside - there were no images of the Virgin, no crucifixes or alters. Instead there was just a massive, overflowing arrangement of flowers and plants, spilling from the ruined church forward into the room. Then I saw on the floor in front of the flowers, facing me, sat a yogi - in lotus posture and in deep meditation. When I looked more closely I realized it was my face. I started in such profound fright, and woke thinking"Aha, so she is the one who is meditating me. She has a dream and I am it." I had an unshakable feeling that when she awoke, I would no longer be.

"For small creatures such as we, the vastness is bearable only through love."
-Carl Sagan

I guess it's time for me to go back. I miss my friends, but I've also missed this slow, small-town pace of life. Being tugged in two different directions but I still haven't got a clue how to resolve that. I guess it'll happen eventually, I'm not to worried, and I think when I get back to school I'll hit my stride again. Not looking forward to that 4 hour train ride though, sans music! Good thing I have wonderful books to keep me company, as per usual. Funny enough when I was applying to my high school's art program I also applied to their literature program, and got into both. I still love words, the play of language and nuance so maybe that 4 hour ride will be a pleasure and not a pain. Anyone read anything good lately?

I had a great experience today; I woke up from a fantastic dream at 6:36 in the morning. It gave me just enough time to go downstairs and outside to the river near my house and watch the sunrise, then sneak back into my house. I guess it goes without saying that it was a stunning sunrise, every inch of icy snow glazed with ambers and orange. It was a little moment where I could pretend it wasn't winter still.

Last day in Ottawa tomorrow, and I'm almost sad, despite how boring it was. It was nice to just finally find time to sleep, read, dance - do the things I really enjoy. Drawing is okay, but it feels like I've spent to long trying to churn out ideas and good work from nothing.

PS - Anyone else noticed that great literature is all about how being a human is such a bummer?

Am I the only one who thinks "carbonmade" is a strange name for a site that hosts art and portfolios? I don't mean the subject of what it's hosting directly, just the name. Carbonmade. It's just odd - all life is carbon. Making it just a human thing kinda negates the fact that all life on earth is carbon. Ah well, whatever, have some image of carbon in action!

I finally got my PLA written, and student evaluation filled out - something productive got done! Well, that and I think I've got a few more songs under my belt. True to form I think I got more done on my week off then at school, not that I had much to do to begin with. My brother and I hang out most of the time, and when I'm not doing that I'm generally playing the piano or outside wandering the forests or just dancing. Truthfully I think I enjoy dancing just as much as I used to - I tried to convince myself after the accident that I wouldn't miss it, but I did. I still do. Even if it hurts after awhile, I'd rather dance than not, and it's a painful truth. Maybe that's just how the truth works though; it's painful and powerful. Probably because you're not expecting it.

Last weekend before the grind, gonna have fun in the cold sunshine!

I think William Shakespeare was the wisest human being I ever heard of. To be perfectly frank, though, that's not saying much. Nothing happening still, just writing my PLA and listening to music, occasionally drawing. I'm almost finished going through my conservatory piano book (!) and they're all for concert-level pieces. I thought I would have lost the ability to play or sight read but I guess not, thank goodness. Otherwise this week would be super boring, but i still have the complete works of Shakespeare to keep me company and apparently a treasure tomb of history books, all of which I can use for my essay. Seriously, yes, that bored. Writing my essay on my week off - but at least I'm making good headway? Oh well, back to the piano I go - I'm done with all the mozart, I guess I'll move on to chopin? Who knows, we'll see!

“The wealthiest person is poorest at times when compared to the one with the beautiful mind.”

—	Three Melancholy Gypsies, Beautiful Mind